Several days ago I wrote a post that talked about how The Boyfriend and I are waiting to get married. If you remember correctly, I said we need to learn how to deal with certain causes of stress before we say “I do” to each other. We don’t want to jump the gun and end up hurting each other or our kids. We do not want to go through divorces again, so the next time we take our vows, they’re forever.
On Sunday night, the marriage conversation began again while we were driving to pick up my rugrats from their dad. My boyfriend’s son asked when we were getting married, and the Boyfriend said not for awhile. He, of course, did not get into specific reasons because 10 and 12-year-old minds do not work the same as adult ones. They see things in black and white. If you want to get married, you do. They don’t understand that there are reasons to wait.
Of course, his son did not want to drop the conversation when his father answered him. His son kept trying to get the why out of his father. We just kept saying “because”, which as any parent knows, translates to “just keep asking the parents until they cave”. And he did. Repeatedly.
Fortunately for us, though, we did not cave and stood our ground. While we are extremely candid with our children because we do not believe in lies and sugar coating things, there are certain things we do not want to explain at this time. Maybe some day we will but not right now.
It is nice, though, to know that both of his children, as well as my two, are supportive of us getting married. All four want us to and make it quite known. I guess we can’t ask for more than that, right? Some stepparents never get that kind of blessing, so we are fortunate that ours nag us about it.
To be honest, the truth is…we’re struggling. We are not a perfect couple. We are not infallible. We hurt just like anyone else. And lately, we’ve been dealing with a lot more than our share of hard times.
We know there are some who would be happy if we ended our relationship tomorrow…that would probably dance around in glee and drink a toast to our failed relationship. We don’t want to give those people the satisfaction, though, of ruining what we know is a good relationship.
Yes, we are stressed out beyond belief right now. But we have a very strong foundation that our relationship is built upon. We started it out in the best way possible. We were friends first before becoming more. We didn’t hide our relationship or our feelings for each other. We are straight with each other. We are honest and freely speak our minds without fear of recrimination. We love and very much respect each other. And we do not spread lies, rumors or talk down to one another. We show each other every day how much we love the other person and value them.
I know we will get through these trying times. I know it’s going to take work, though. It’s a good thing neither of us are afraid to work hard.
To my loyal readers, I ask if you have any advice for us to help us not be affected by the words and actions of others. Any you can offer are greatly appreciated.
*Photo courtesy of theswedish
I think you are doing the smart thing. Husband and I moved in after 6 months of dating and then we got married because we felt outside pressure. We had a lot of problems that we should have worked through first. We’ve been together 5 years and it’s been some of the hardest years of my life. You do what is working best for you and your family. Being a parent is hard work, being a step parent brings in a whole new set of issues because you can’t parent the same way sometimes. In the end, everything will work out just as it should.
All I know is that in the years I have *known* you I have never seen you happier and glow so much.
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That’s exactly why we want to wait until the timing is right. I really don’t want either of us to have to go through another divorce. And I definitely don’t want our children to have to go through it too. Once was hard enough. I will admit, though, I can’t wait for the day. I think about it a lot, more than my boyfriend knows. I know in my heart he’s the one. And there’s not an ounce of fear in my body. But I do want to make sure our minds are both in the right place because it is such a huge step.
And you’re right, being a step parent is hard. Trying to mesh parenting styles is a huge challenge, but it’s doable. It takes patience from both parties, though. I’m sure it’s going to be something we’re constantly working on.
(And yes, I’m very happy and you’re not the first to mention a glow. Others say that it appears I’ve lost weight when I haven’t. It’s amazing what being happy can do for a person.)