Months ago I made a promise to my stepson; if he would start trying new things he’s afraid of or unsure of, that I would do the same. He and I both had tendencies in the past to let our fears consume us and stop us from experiencing new things.
In fact, my own fear has kept me from participating in things that could have changed the course of my life. I don’t regret that my fear stopped me from certain things because had things gone differently, I may not have had my kids. However, in the future, my fears could make it so I miss out on something that could benefit all of us.
I hate public speaking
One of my biggest fears has always been public speaking. It’s not that I can’t do it. Because I can. I’m actually quite good at it once I get passed my fears. However, my fears are so strong and so debilitating at times, that I make myself sick or end up backing out of things because I can’t face standing in front of a group of people.
I don’t like to be on display.
I don’t like people staring at me.
I don’t like people talking about me.
When did my public speaking fear start?
The thing is, I don’t know exactly when that particular fear started. I remember in second grade I was chosen to narrate the second grade production of Peter Pan because of my reading level. And I did fine during both performances. But sometime after that my anxieties kicked in.
I also remember teaching a class in sixth grade to a bunch of kindergarten and first graders on the environment, and I was fine. I not sure if it was easier on me. Later that year, though, I wrote a speech for a class assignment on Charles Richard Drew and won for my class. I was supposed to go on to the school level competition and inevitably, I know in my gut, would have gone onto the District competition and possibly further.
However, I couldn’t do it. My fears were too strong, and I chickened out. And those fears have only continued to grow over the years. So when the time came when my husband and I had to start thinking about a speech we had to give in honor of his son, I started panicking. And it was still months out.
The big day finally arrived this past Friday…
and I was a wreck.
My hands shook.
My insides rolled.
I was lightheaded.
And I was emotional for two reasons.
One, because I was very proud of my stepson and two, because of my public speaking fear.
In other words, I cried at the beginning, but I settled down once I got through the first paragraph of my portion of the speech. I spoke directly to my stepson and blocked everyone else out because what that portion of the speech was for him. I wanted him to know how proud I am of him and how blessed I am to be a part of his life.
Afterwards, I gave him a hug and explained to him again why I did what I did. He hugged me back and cried, and it made my heart ache. I knew he understood how challenging that night was for me.
That boys knows how to push our buttons. He’s starting to test his boundaries like kids at his age, but he’s a very sweet, loving, respectful child, that we all are very proud of. His mom and dad have raised a great kid, and I know he’s got a bright future ahead of him. And I wanted him to know that I’ll be right there with his dad, supporting him through it all.
So why put myself through it?
Doing what I did was harder than people realize, but it was something I had to do. I had to do it for my stepson, but in part, I also had to do it for myself to prove I could. And I’m actually proud of myself for following through.
This isn’t the first time I’ve had to push myself this year. For example, my husband and I wrote our own vows for our wedding our June wedding, and though we were only in front of family and our JOP, I was still scared.
I also rode on a jetski, which, I admit, scared me at first. But once I let myself go, I had an absolute blast. I can’t wait to go again.
Another big issue that I have is my fear of heights. On our honeymoon, though, we took a tram up to the top of Cannon Mountain. I was panicky before we stepped on the tram. I had horrible visions in my head of cables snapping, but I took a deep breath, and forced myself to enjoy the experience. And by the time we got to the top, I was proud of myself. I allowed myself to enjoy something I’ve never done before. And it’s another experience I want to repeat.
One other thing that I did this year that I’ve been wanting to try but hadn’t before now is deep sea fishing. What fun that was. I was worried I’d end up sea sick, but I didn’t. There were a couple moments where I felt a bit uneasy when I thought about how deep the ocean water was beneath us, but I didn’t let it control me and was able to have a great day of fishing with my dad and husband.
I know these are just a few examples of first time experiences to come. And I hope that we are able to make memories with my stepson and the other kids, as well. We love exposing them to new places and adventures. I want them to look back on their childhood fondly and know we did all we could to provide them with a special childhood that included more than just sports and after-school activities. We firmly believe that children should be exposed to many different things because it helps us grow into well-rounded adults.
Have you tried anything you were terrified of only to find out it wasn’t so bad? Share in the comments below.