Divorce Talk: Can We All Just Get Along?

Hey, guess what? Divorce sucks!

It honestly doesn’t matter if it was a mutual decision or one brought about because a spouse was no longer in love or happy, it’s still a huge life adjustment, especially if a couple was married for a long period of time.

It was just over a year ago that my ex-husband and I’s divorce was finalized. Unlike others, our divorce  proceedings did not drag on for months, or even years on end, like some do. The reason it took several months between filing and it finalization was because we had to wait on court dates.

My ex-husband and I decided early on that we were not going to make it harder on our kids than it already was. We didn’t want them to feel like they were caught in the middle of it, like so many kids feel they are. There was no lying to them or making them lie. We explained exactly why we were getting divorced, and we answered any questions they had. We wanted them to know that just because we weren’t together, it didn’t mean that we didn’t love them because we both do.

And because we were able to agree on everything, the Magistrate who oversaw our divorce told me to my face that we gave our children a great gift by having such an amicable divorce. She told me that she didn’t normally see cases like that. Most she sees are long and drawn out affairs because the parents often end up acting like children themselves and bickering about the smallest of details. My ex and I didn’t want that, so we did everything in our power to make sure it all went smoothly.

Now here we are, over a year later, and I can say we are friends. We have had some rough spots where I didn’t agree with choices he was making and how they were affecting my children, but overall, he and I have gotten along better than most divorced couples I see.

Oftentimes there’s one parent that wants things to go smoothly but the other is disagreeable and picks fights over everything, no matter how small it is. They look for any reason to jump on their ex-spouse and eventually whomever they end up with. I’m not like that. I genuinely want my ex-husband to find someone good for him that will love, take care of and protect my children when I’m not around. I want someone in his life that wants the best for my kids and who isn’t involved in drugs or drinking too much. I want him to end up with someone I can talk to if there’s a parenting issue that needs to be discussed.

Yes, I know that he will eventually find a woman that will end up becoming their stepmother, but I’m not going to be a bitch about it as long as she’s not doing anything harmful to my kids, or around them. Then, of course, protective Momma Bear will rear her ugly head. But if she does everything for my children that I would, I will be happy because that’s what they deserve. A child can never have too much love.

I honestly feel that any couple that goes through a divorce where there’s children involved should make the decision that no matter what they will keep things on an even keel for their children, even after the divorce is finalized. They should try to remain friendly. Doing so not only benefits the kids, it benefits the adults in the long run, too. I know I’d much rather go to bed in a good mood versus a bad one because of a fight between my ex and me.

Also, I feel that when any ex-spouse gets into a new relationship, as I mentioned above, the other ex should treat the new significant other with respect. As parents, we lead by example, and how treat we someone, or talk to them, is taught to the children and they are more apt to mimic their parents behavior.

Obviously, I understand there are certain situations where this kind of friendship is not possible because the other person did horrible things that hurt the children or their spouse and it’s detrimental for them to be friendly. In those instances, I don’t fault the parent for wanting to protect their child. I’d do the same. But if you were in a relationship where harm was not being done to your child(ren) and you just have animosity towards your ex for reasons that may or may not be valid, it’s time to grow up and put on your big girl panties/big boy boxers and be an adult. The past is in the past, and it’s time to let it go and MOVE ON!

You owe it to yourself and your kids to let it go. Life will be much smoother and happier if you release the animosity. I know it has been for me. I wasn’t sure I would ever forgive my ex for things he did, but I have without even realizing it. And honestly, I feel lighter knowing that I have moved on and am in a good place.

*Photo courtesy of ba1969.