I Will Never be Pretty

This is me the day of our wedding in June. I felt good about myself that day. The best I ever have, in fact.

I don’t feel that way today. I don’t most days even though I try really hard to.

For awhile I was starting to feel a tiny bit better about myself and the way I look. But it all came crashing down today because of one innocent comment made by child who didn’t mean me any harm. Even though I know that, I can’t talk myself out of the way I feel right now about myself.

While I was helping out at the school today a little boy asked me what was wrong my teeth, and I instantly felt my cheeks flush. They weren’t from cool to burning in seconds. Tears formed in my eyes, and I had to fight them back. I told him that they grew in that way and we didn’t have dental insurance when I was a kid and we couldn’t afford to have them fixed. And that’s the truth. It’s a simple fact.

I’m very open on here when it comes to myself and how I have confidence issues. I don’t try to hide it because I’m human and I have insecurities just like the rest of you. That’s what makes me relatable.

So, if I’m being honest, one of my biggest insecurities is my teeth. I hate the way they look and their appearance has affected my life since my adult teeth grew in.

I don’t like to smile.

I don’t like to talk to people face-to-face because I know they see how bad my teeth are on the bottom and judge me because of it. They assume that I don’t take care of my teeth, and I made them this way. They couldn’t be further from the truth. I actually do take care of my teeth. They just grew in wrong. That’s it.

I don’t like to record videos for my site because I know those who watch it will see my teeth and someone may something to me. That’s how some people are on the internet…they get great amounts of joy out of saying mean and hurtful things to others. And lets face it, I’m a damn easy target.

I know people look at my husband and I together and wonder why he’s with me. Not only because of my teeth but because I’m quiet and shy and scared of what people will think of me. I’m the opposite of him.

Also, before some of you decide to judge my parents for this you have to know that they did everything they could for me as child. They were and are great parents.

We didn’t have dental insurance when I was little. It didn’t come with the insurance they had, and they couldn’t afford to pay for dental visits and procedures out of pocket. Lets be honest here. Most people can’t. And those who can don’t realize just how lucky they are.

Anyway, when the dentist came into our school to do cleanings, that’s where mine were done. I don’t blame them for any of this and none of you should either. I know how hard my parents worked for what they did have. And I know money was tight. They did the best they could, and I recognize that and appreciate everything they did do.

I don’t blame them for why my bottom teeth are as messed up as they are. I have a small mouth and therefore my bottom teeth are very crowded. So much so, in fact, that when my baby teeth fell out, the new ones grew in crooked and with one pushed out in front.

For so long I’ve let my teeth hold me back out of fear of ridicule. And it sucks. But I know that they won’t ever get better. I know that no matter how much weight I lose, how clear my skin is, how much makeup I put on, nothing can change the way my teeth look. We can’t afford to have them fixed, and even if we could, our kids come first. My stepson needs braces. My daughter needs braces. My son most likely will too. Mom comes last. It’s just the way it is. I’m a mom first and that means putting my children ahead of everything else. That’s what makes me the mom I am.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t wish things were different because I do. I would love to be able to smile, talk and joke around without feeling like people are staring at me and talking about me. I would love to feel confident and beautiful..pretty. But I don’t.

So there you have it. That’s what I’m a mess today.